Tomorrow, I will be at Walker Stalker in Chicago! Tomorrow.
And this time, I am also planning on showing how my book cover parodies have become far more plentiful than they used to be. In the beginning, it was just Danger Crumples transforming Christopher Pike’s 1990s YA output, as seen here –
I do think with Danger Crumples I may actually have parodied these covers into being more coherent stories. Oops.
However, now that most of these are only available as postcards and I had more plays on piggie names in mind – more pigs have gotten their own book series and three of the paintings will be on display for the first time and also possibly the last time, I tend to make new things for every show that I do because I have a lot of ideas and very inspiring piglets.
Peregrine, crime boss and queen of my herd, finally got her own book series – Prey Street. And once again she meets with her most frightening enemy – the phone. This time she let Merricat pick it up, as if that would help.
Finny got a series too! Finnybumps, it’s very specific and allows him to intimidate Salem, just as he tries to from across the room every day.
This is my favorite new book cover parody. Ozma’s 80s horror paperback. There’s always been something ominous and yet flashy about how cute she is, which could only be expressed by painting her while drinking a lot of Tab.
Walker Stalker! Tomorrow! I know I’m no Jerry, who I won’t be able to see because I’ll be at my table, and I’m clearly not King Ezekiel, who I won’t be able to mention Hellraiser: Hellworld to (um, that movie has Khary Payton, future apparent (I haven’t seen it) downer Superman Henry Cavill, and the best but somewhat -to put it lightly – misused person on Vikings, Katheryn Winnick all in it, what a strange world we live in), but I hope someone comes and sees me anyway because I have a very wide range of stickers this time.
55. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children – Ransom Riggs
More design than book, this is a story that I did not expect to be the start of a series. It’s good looking, but it wasn’t particularly emotionally engaging for me. I do like the design, the photos, the odd afflictions of the children and their caretaker’s powers; but it all just really stayed on the surface for me. It was a bit drafty, not unlike the landscape described in the book. I recently acquired the second book in the series cheaply, so, I’ll give it a shot, see if it gets better. It could always get better.
Long ago, I chose Twiglet to be the chosen pig pictured with this book. She was a peculiar and endlessly lovable pig.
Later, I acquired my own Miss Peregrine, so named for her slightly falcon-like appearance and she has acquired her own Miss Peregrine Funko figure with its own falcon. Perhaps a peculiar choice. She also has Sam the Eagle.
75. Anna Dressed in Blood – Kendare Blake
It took me a bit to realize the head I was in was male. I’m so used to YA books with supernatural elements being told from female perspectives that it was a bit of a shock to figure out this was a young guy’s head. Also, he didn’t constantly think about boobs and changing his clothes, so how was I supposed to know? Anyway, the head belongs to Cas (Theseus Cassio) and his father was killed by a ghost. Now he and his mom follow other ghosts and kill them, along with their cat, Tybalt. Somebody likes Shakespeare. The titular ghost is up in Thunder Bay, Canada, and she is a doozy. She’s sixteen and she’s killed a lot of people. A lot. Pretty much anyone who comes in her house.
I didn’t expect this to be as good as it was. It was very teen and yet involved pop culture references that would probably work better for people in their 30s, so that worked for me; but it was just better than it seemed like it should be. The characters seemed natural, the gory parts were gory, and one of the characters attempted to stop library vandalism – good. The one thing that was pretty off-putting was the design choice of printing the book in dried-blood-brown ink. It makes sense, but it hurt my eyes a little to read it all the same. And it really wasn’t necessary for such a compelling narrative to have that kind of gimmick.
Salem’s ready for some in your face ghost hunting too.
24. The Cats – Nick Sharman
I must begin with a note about the cautiousness of our publishing times, well, 2013 and probably still today. When pitching editors in ye olde New York City about the first book in my Squirrelpocalypse Trilogy, I was told to market it as middle grade instead of YA even though to me it was gory and funny enough to just be aimed at nerdy 30+ year olds who grew up watching Gremlins and Ghostbusters. YA was my genre compromise because it takes place at a boarding high school. The editorial argument was that the premise of a rising plague of person-devouring squirrels was for middle school kids. Far too ridiculous for anyone else. Not entirely. I think maybe it would’ve been more disturbing if I let diseased rodents rip the flesh off of middle schoolers. If I did that I’d have to seriously consider Splatterpunk as my defunct genre of choice and I’ve already got enough “too many dudes in here” genre issues in Horror Comedy. Anyway, all of that happened way before I read my copy of The Cats.
The Cats is about a plague of diseased cats (and one naked middle schooler) trying to kill off London when they get too hot. The cat-madness infection responds to temperature and that poor young boy was feeding them when the a/c broke and got swept up into the highjinks. It was marketed to adults because it’s not silly to let diseased cats try to take over London. Nope. Nick Sharman was published in an age of opportunity for letting small animals rage in print.
Ozymandias and Danger Crumples demonstrate small animals about to rage. Well, sort of, I separated them shortly after this photo. They were fighting about how maybe my writing would’ve been more acceptable in the 80s. Danger thought 90s. That’s what guinea pigs fight about. Literary problems.
24. Summer’s End – Robert Hawks
Weirdos on an island! They have onion breath and the ability to wipe memories. The police are in on it. The pharmacy is in on it. The popular girl who throws beach parties is in on it. Spoiler alert – Your dad is in on it. And yet, the main character managed to find a boyfriend possibility. One thing never changes (and the ancient vampire dude in charge should really be aware of this by now) – summer romance is going to happen. It will end the world someday.
Peregrine’s first summer romance was with Ozymandias. It was cute enough to kill an ancient vampire.
1. “Indoctrination (A Design for Living)” – Dead Can Dance
2. “Night Chill” – Samhain
3. “Rain Grey, Dark Sky” – Brass Hearse
4. “Dead End City” – Espectrostatic
5. “Vampire Circus” – Uncle Acid & the Deadbeats
6. “Jaktens Tid” – Finntroll
7. “Climb Safely” – Restavrant
8. “Ancestors, The Ancients” – Chelsea Wolfe
9. “To Walk the Night” – Samhain
10. “The Invisible Guests” – King Diamond
11. “Necromania” – Electric Wizard
12. “The Birthing” – Samhain
13. “Jugular Infection” – Terrortron
14. “The Village Idiot” – Wolfmen of Mars
15. “Dead Wrong” – Hanni El Khatib
29. Blood and Chocolate – Annette Curtis Klause
Werewolves have more weaknesses than silver. The teenage werewolf at the center of this novel goes weak in the knees for poetry. One hippie kid writes a wolfy poem and she’s gone. Trying to fit in. Trying to out-flirt the human girls. Trying to prove herself through the overconfidence of being a supernatural beast creature. It doesn’t really work out how she wanted. They’re never ready to know the truth, the ones who say they are lied. Vivian finds out the hard way (the “Did I murder someone last night?” way) that she has to stay with her own kind and marry some older dude with a motorcycle that also almost dated her mom.
“One’s place in the hierarchy of any group is earned, and not through messing around with humans.” Pammy was queen of my herd for quite a while, she accepted her place with dignity and didn’t rebel…but she was like three years old at that time, an age of certain wisdom for a guinea pig. Also, we cry over all the guinea pigs if we need to in this house.
1. “Until the Night Is Over” – Timber Timbre
2. “Funeral for a Great Drunken Bird” – All Them Witches
3. “Dog Inside Your Body” – Butthole Surfers
4. “Under Tva Runor (Under Two Runes)” – Finntroll
5. “Offering” – Chelsea Wolfe
6. “Birthed into a Grave They Made for You” – MAKE
7. “Bottomless Pit” – King Dude
8. “Girl” – Suicide
9. “Past Lives” – BORNS
10. “Four Teeth” – True Widow
11. “Kiss of Steel” – Samhain
12. “Hallucinatoria” – Wolfmen of Mars
13. “Midnattens Widunder” – Finntroll
14. “Ghost Dance” – The Bright Light Social Hour
15. “Killer Wolf” – Danzig
4. Call Waiting – R.L. Stine
It used to be much easier to make intimidating phone calls. Just ask the Golden State Killer. Or Karen in this book. Of course, when you’re intimidating yourself to guilt your boyfriend into staying you don’t even have to make the phone calls; you can just wail and act scared and say you’ve been getting them and your boyfriend will reluctantly stay for a while. Get your shit together, Karen. You’ll never be good enough for a Deadly Women segment at this rate. You’ve got to be patient or maybe just let those hard to reach chips that don’t want to date you anymore go.
Finny is looking for hard to reach chips that fell behind the couch. Chips help with unexpected breakups. Especially freeze dried banana chips.
1. “I’ll Be in Touch” – Electric Six
2. “Nightcall” – Kavinsky & Lovefoxxx
3. “Johnny” – Suicide
4. “You Can’t Quit Me Baby” – Queens of the Stone Age
5. “Unholy Passion” – Samhain
6. “Sad Transmission” – Raveonettes
7. “Find Another Girl” – The Hives
8. “I Know Where You’re Hiding” – Terrortron
9. “Speed Sick” – Icarus Line
10. “Cheap and Cheerful” – The Kills
11. “Little Thing Gone Wild” – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
12. “You Would Know” – Queens of the Stone Age
13. “Mesmerism” – Dead Can Dance
14. “All Are Lost” – Brass Hearse
15. “They Don’t Want Me” – Wall of Voodoo
16. “You Hit Me (I’m Down)” – Raveonettes
17. “(Who the Hell Just) Call My Phone” – Electric Six
6. The Cemetery – D.E. Athkins
Oh, Deathkins. Your characters are some doozies, especially in this one where there were so many of them I can’t even remember who is who and I totally read this in this, the year of my herd 2018. Recently I was re-watching the He Man and She Ra movie while painting (Classy. Artist. Me.) and I noticed that everyone kept repeating their relationships to each other – “This is Angella, she’s my mother.” “Let’s save Glimmer’s mother, Queen Angella.” “I wonder what my former pupil, Skeletor, is up to.” “Hello, Skeletor, my former pupil.” “Suck it, Hordak, the teacher who abandoned me.” I may be paraphrasing in that last one, but it was annoying there and would be useful here. There are way too many people in The Cemetery. And Cyndi, the most memorable one, likes “to push people.” She’s rich and bitchy. Her name is perfect. She planned a Hallowe’en party in a cemetery – The cemetery – and then some dude makes the mistake of dying during it. So you could say Cyndi pushed him – put on sunglasses – to death. YEEEAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Okay, maybe it’s not really CSI: Miami quality, but, there’s a possibility that it is. Anyway, so, death, then some more death, and some supernatural stuff and I really thought that it was just going to be a murderous groundskeeper who is tired of those damn kids stomping around in his eroding hilltop cemetery during their oh-so-spooky parties but…it wasn’t.
Finny never gets invited to Ozma’s parties in the cemetery. She doesn’t think he’s serious enough for hide and seek. Someday he will have his revenge.
1. “Within the Wall of Tress” – Wolfmen of Mars
2. “Aldhissla” – Finntroll
3. “Lady Velvet” – Devil Electric
4. “Loss of Feeling of Loss” – Pinkish Black
5. “It’s Not Cranberry Sauce” – All of Them Witches
6. “Prisoners” – King Dude
7. “The Doom that Came to Marble Town” – Espectrostatic
8. “Kiss of the Broken Bottle” – Wolfmen of Mars
9. “The Number of the Beast” – Electric Six
10. “Archangel (Samhain cover)” – Beastmaker
11. “Bloody Revenge” – Terrortron
12. “Nocturnal Me” – Echo & the Bunnymen
13. “Living for the Grave” – Brass Hearse
14. “The Delirium of Negation” – Espectrostatic
15. “Once-Over” – Terrortron