Tag Archives: mixtape

“I love my answering machine”

54. My Secret Admirer – Carol Ellis

Isolated teen sparks the interest of local maniac, rejects common sense, lives to tell the tale. It’s hard when you move to a new town and your parents immediately abandon you to fend for yourself in your extremely isolated home. Perhaps, if you were a teenage girl who had never seen a single news report or experienced other humans, you might think that suddenly having a secret admirer leave you gifts when you are completely alone in an unfamiliar place would be fun, perhaps cute, and it wouldn’t set off every internal personal safety alarm you have even though you keep acting like you have those on your trips to town. The ominous rocks aren’t calling you, Jenny, and they certainly aren’t leaving you presents. Yeesh.

Mixtape –
1. Burden in My Hand – Soundgarden
2. What’s a Girl to Do? – Bat for Lashes
3. Comanche Moon – The Black Angels
4. Get Found – Bass Drum of Death
5. Too Real – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
6. Crazy Love – Chelsea Wolfe
7. Deep Blue – Arcade Fire
8. A Brief History of Love – The Big Pink
9. Behind the Wheel – Depeche Mode
10. No Direction – Logan 5
11. Length of Love – Interpol
12. Kalopsia – Queens of the Stone Age
13. With My Eyes Closed – The Raveonettes
14. Something I Can Never Have – Vitamin String Quartet

Merricat asks, “Really? Listen to the dog, Jenny. Peaches knows what’s up.”

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Late 1800s newspaper front pages are like: murder, murder, accident, murder, Druids, somebody’s running for office, fire, a boat sank, murder.

7. One Evil Summer – R.L. Stine

A long time ago, in a land about one hundred miles away from the land I am currently occupying, I settled in to a long afternoon of playing while sort of watching TV and stumbled upon a movie where this weird lady took a baby into the woods and gave the baby to a tree. It seemed interesting and so I watched the rest of it -and this was before the internet, before the little guide on the television, and we had no subscription to TV Guide, and so it took me a REALLY long time to figure out that it was The Guardian. Bastard film of William Friedkin who would scare me half to death by creating a relatable situation in The Exorcist – he took his name off The Guardian for cable, not that I saw the beginning where it also explained that Druids worshipped trees (but- but- when were they building henges in danger of being crushed?). I saw some wolves, I got confused, and I am now never surprised by evil nanny stories. One Evil Summer is an evil nanny/babysitter story and it needed more wolves. And a creepy tree.

Mixtape –
1. I Am the Sun – Swans
2. Black God Forest – Those Poor Bastards
3. Are You Okay? – Dum Dum Girls
4. Anything, Anything – Dramarama
5. Jinx – Snakefinger
6. Lady Shoes – Jesus Lizard
7. 1985 – Kvelertak
8. Cat Claw – The Kills
9. Vacation – Absolutely Not
10. The Serpent & The Pig – Zebras
11. Two Hearted Woman – Electric Citizen
12. Drawing Down the Moon – Blood Ceremony
13. Nothin’ – Rowland S. Howard
14. Charmer – Kings of Leon
15. Superstition – The Kills
16. Wide At Midnight – The Wytches

When they film Ozymandias’ story, which might involve creepy trees prior to my having acquired him, it’s likely that Sam Raimi will sign on to direct initially, but then we’ll have to settle for William Friedkin.

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Linking arms and sticking out your tummies won’t fix it…this time.

46. Chain Letter – Christopher Pike

Who hasn’t, accidentally, done something with six other friends that they must keep a secret – only to find out someone totally saw whatever it was and now will make you all pay. Make you all pay. In this case that would be the very ominously named “Caretaker.” The “Caretaker” is NOT Grumpy Bear of the Care Bears in disguise, trying to paradigm shift the Care Bears’ organization.

Mixtape –
1. Rich Kids – Evil Cowards
2. Sprawl II – Arcade Fire
3. Sour Cherry – The Kills
4. Sin Is In 10 – Bass Drum of Death
5. Blitzed – The Raveonettes
6. Killing for Company – Swans
7. Slutman City – GWAR
8. Mouth Breather – Jesus Lizard
9. Teen Age Riot – Sonic Youth
10. Don’t Lie – Snakefinger
11. Houses in Motion – Talking Heads
12. Lee Did This to Me – Electric Six
13. Black Sun – Kadavar

Horace likes the Care Bear Cousins, but not enough to commit. When you ignore guinea pigs, you’re working in a silo. [Ed. Using “silo” instead of “vacuum” is one of the stupidest business-language ideas ever – unless you plan on drowning in corn.]

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She could’ve killed someone with a pencil.

17. Night World: Huntress – L.J. Smith

You know how sometimes you have to like rejoin the gang of vampires you used to lead for the good of the universe even though you were like doing really well paying more attention to your human half? Keep up. Jez Redfern, like John Wick much later, has to return to her old ways for some serious action in order to keep evil from winning the apocalypse at the millennium/taking revenge a network of evil dudes/co-workers and stupid-Russian-Theon for stealing your car and murdering a very important dog. Maybe, just maybe, my analogy is not totally sound, but if there’s ever a movie version of Huntress and Jez Redfern says “Whoah,” I’ll know it’s meant for me.

A special hardcover collector’s edition of each of the Night World books is being released this year, if only this year was also actually going to see the release of the final Night World book… There is a rather hilarious Amazon page for “Strange Fate,” the tenth book – in theory – filled with the kind of frustrated commentary George R.R. Martin is surely used to dealing with, it’s been over 20 years of waiting for L.J. Smith’s fans. I’m waiting on her too, I’ve got to say Night World is a great series. A little melodramatic, but they’re for teenagers and everything is life and death. EVERYTHING. Maybe you don’t understand. Maybe you should go slam your bedroom door.

Mixtape –
1. Tread Lightly – Mastodon
2. White Light Suicide – Witchcraft
3. Raise A Paw – Melvins
4. Things Present, Things Past – Blood Ceremony
5. Dendrofil for Yggdrasil – Kvelertak
6. For Blood – Bass Drum of Death
7. Skin Traps – Electric Six
8. Never Let You Down – Greenskeepers
9. I Hear Voices – Kasabian
10. Reload – Ministry
11. The Needy – Logan 5
12. Feral Love – Chelsea Wolfe
13. By Your Definition – Witchcraft
14. I’d Kill for Her – The Black Angels
15. The Way of Vikings – Amon Amarth

Peregrine and Ozma are waiting here until someone tells them they have to take vengeance for their old names: “Pippa” (I adopted Peregrine and Merricat as a pair formerly known as “Paris” and “Pippa,” so I’m assuming there based on the order of their appearance in their adoption photo) and “Mitzi.” Seriously. Mitzi. That’s a dog name. Pippa is a dog name too.

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She got Swayzed.

35. The Secret Bedroom – R.L. Stine

Every time I switch towns I eventually run into the same old story – there’s that creepy house where somebody got murdered. And you know, in Mississippi, it was my house. It was drugs. No unfinished business. Lea of The Secret Bedroom is not so lucky. I mean, it could’ve been drugs, but, it wasn’t mentioned specifically if drugs were involved in the 100 years ago murderage, so… Lea is not so lucky in many ways. She falls victim to the many tropes – she’s a new kid who spills on the prime bitch at school, then gets asked out as a joke but she doesn’t know until she gets stood up, in her wallowing she hears footsteps upstairs in the boarded up bedroom, the girls she ends up being friends with are either too popular to keep up getting to know her or they found a boyfriend and no longer cared (Friends!), AND her parents keep leaving her alone in their haunted house (Thanks, Lea’s parents.) and she would be okay with it – if it was being haunted by Patrick Swayze. Patrick Swayze, gateway ghost.

Mixtape –
1. School – Nirvana
2. Misery Keeper – Electric Citizen
3. Zero – Smashing Pumpkins
4. Phone Call – The Faint
5. Mother Father – Swans
6. Sick, Sick, Sick – Queens of the Stone Age
7. My Dreams – Electric Six
8. I Only Said – My Bloody Valentine
9. Lost Boys and Girls Club – Dum Dum Girls
10. Your Sins Will Find You Out – Eli “Paperboy” Reed
11. Everybody Dies – Those Poor Bastards
12. I Dreamt – The Black Angels
13. Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now – The Smiths
14. Love Can Destroy Everything – The Raveonettes
15. Noorus – Chelsea Wolfe
16. Ripe – Nine Inch Nails

Pammy and Thaddeus chomp down parsley in an attic bedroom. There’s no corpses in there or anything. Also no Swayze or Swayze-related materials. They’re like the wind.

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It could’ve just been The Cretins.

Welcome to year four of YA Megamix Summer! This year’s theme is “Class of Soon to be Nuked High” in honor of the the world teetering on the brink of destruction based on the whims of a moldy orange madman. Good luck having a future, enjoy these glib reviews and mixtapes for the next three months and if the country is still here at the end of August, we’ll resume our mental health/horror programming.

 

24. The Night Walkers – Otto Coontz

Way to not end the story, man. Maxine is cured, no one else is, and there’s no resolution beyond blaming the guy who runs the dump for the pollution. Writing is about making choices. When you bring things up, like “the soul” a few times and have Nora the Cassandra thinking that’s the “leg up” they have and then never resolving anything… At 163 pages, you could have added another chapter or two and resolved the story. I expect more of an author that admits to being the puppet and mask maker for the San Francisco Mime Troupe AND being concerned about environmental protection in his bio.

 
Mixtape –
1. A Forest – The Cure
2. The Number of the Beast – Electric Six
3. Home Sick Home – Faith No More
4. Damned If She Do – The Kills
5. Time for Death – GWAR
6. Under My Chin – Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster
7. Infected Girls – Electric Six
8. Burning in Hell – Electric Citizen
9. Iron Moon – Chelsea Wolfe
10. The Angry River – The Hat
11. If Wishes Were Horses – Witchcraft
12. My Mule – Abner Jay
13. Sore Eyes – Widowspeak
14. Old Pine Box – Those Poor Bastards
15. Forest Clouds – Windhand

Duncan was in charge of emotional support while I wrote the outline for Day of the Robots. She didn’t even put that in her bio because it took second fiddle to seeing works from the Louvre at Atlanta’s High Museum of Art in 2009 and almost auditioning for a season of So You Think You Can Dance? in the same day.

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“Don’t con me. You know my brother’s trial starts tomorrow.”

38. The Last Victim – Hannah Kuraoka

Okay, so, one reason not to flip houses would be the Black Christmas/The Last Victim problem. Some nutbar who previously lived there or nearby could either still be in the attic slash still able to access the house and kidnap and/or murder any young girls who just happens to live there. Always check for secret passageways, loose floorboards holding important pieces of evidence, and burn that sage to keep the evil spirits out. I also have house blessing powder. But I don’t flip houses. Or murder people. I guess I could start doing either at any time. At any time. To be fair, I’m so allergic to dust and fumes that I really couldn’t do any remodeling without accidentally killing myself, so, maybe I could do both at once in a fashion. Ominous noise.

When Pickles and Belvedere face off, there are no victims, only clashes of guinea pig power the likes of which will never be seen again outside of Pighalla.

When Pickles and Belvedere face off, there are no victims, only clashes of guinea pig power the likes of which will never be seen again outside of Pighalla.

 

Mixtape –
1.    “Message in a Bottle” – The Police
2.    “Young Ones” – Witches
3.    “Noisy Summer” – The Raveonettes
4.    “Ode to Clarissa” – Queens of the Stone Age
5.    “Blood Like Cream” – Red Fang
6.    “Follow You Home” – The Creeps
7.    “Kicking” – Torche
8.    “Stalker Song” – Danzig
9.    “So Many People in the Neighborhood” – Ween
10.    “Blood Red Moon” – The XX
11.    “Night Comes Out” – The Raveonettes
12.    “Cul de Sac” – Tomahawk
13.    “Tyler” – Toadies
14.    “I’m Here to Kill You” – Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats
15.    “Black Grease” – The Black Angels
16.    “In the Pines” – Widowspeak
17.    “Melvin” – The Belles

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The wrong kid died.

37. Twins – Caroline B. Cooney

The saga of Mary Lee, Madrigal, and Jon Pear. Yes, Jon Pear, like a mumbled pronunciation of “John Pierre.” I narrowed my eyes quite a bit while reading this one, mostly at Jon Pear and that total bitch, Madrigal. I’m surprised she didn’t consume Mary Lee in the womb, thus negating the rest of the story. That must be why Jon Pear considers her “mixed” to his “pure” evil and why she messed up her carefully constructed attempt to off her twin – the one her parents tried to save. Oh please. If you’re going to carefully construct a murder scenario for your twin involving a ski weekend, always have a contingency plan, or you’ll never live up to Jon Pear’s standards.

Danger Crumples has never found any other guinea pig that looks like him so now guinea pigs will be impersonating him in a ski suit. Horace, on the other hand, is like opposite Mortemer.

Danger Crumples has never found any other guinea pig that looks like him so no guinea pigs will be impersonating him in a ski suit. Horace, on the other hand, is like opposite Mortemer.

Horace

Horace

Mortemer

Mortemer

Danger Crumples

Danger Crumples

 

Mixtape –
1.    “Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)” – The Arcade Fire
2.    “Black Soul Choir” – 16 Horsepower
3.    “Dominos” – The Big Pink
4.    “Charles William” – All Them Witches
5.    “Dead Girl” – Agents of Oblivion
6.    “Underdogs of Nipomo” – Archers of Loaf
7.    “Sheena’s in a Goth Gang” – The Cramps
8.    “Am I Demon” – Danzig
9.    “Nietzsche” – The Dandy Warhols
10.    “About You” – Catalogue
11.    “Sympathetic Noose” – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
12.    “You Were Born to Be My Gallows” – Dax Riggs
13.    “I Want to Eat a Complete Stranger” – Dick Valentine

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The inside cover says (“Important!”) I should return my copy to Nancy Ann Heftin of Ann Arbor, MI and gives an address and phone number – BUT! – at some point it was all crossed out. Priorities, Nancy Ann, priorities.

38. Stranger With My Face – Lois Duncan

I’ve made it no secret that I love Lois Duncan’s books, especially Locked in Time, and Stranger With My Face is no exception. I’m not in the mood to double check myself before I wreck myself, but I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that this one is Lois Duncan’s favorite of her own books – and it’s awesome, so, not my favorite, but Lois the excellent writer can clearly be trusted to choose wisely. She should be sent after the grail. I mean, she can deftly weave in some supernatural elements, realistic characters, and is a real master of actual teenager suspense – plus, I find the literal end of the story funny- so, she’d get it. I don’t think she would even need the Henry Jones’ diary for help, and she’s certainly not going to Marcus Brody on anyone and get lost in her own museum. There should be a Lois Duncan museum. Thus ends my super helpful “review” of Stranger With My Face.

Which is Twiglet and which is Pammy? I know. I’m not sure that everyone who encountered them could tell me which is which though.

Which is Twiglet and which is Pammy? I know. I’m not sure that everyone who encountered them could tell me which is which though.

 

Mixtape –
1.    “Freedom Run” – Kyuss
2.    “She’s My Witch” – Kip Tyler
3.    “Body Electric” – Sisters of Mercy
4.    “Cheree” – Suicide
5.    “A Little Soul” – Pulp
6.    “Ride a White Swan” – T Rex
7.    “How Heavy This Axe” – The Sword
8.    “Over and Over Again” – Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats
9.    “Man for All Seasons” – The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster
10.    “I’m a Demon” – The Wildbunch
11.    “Endless Night” – Graveyard
12.    “Fire” – Torche
13.    “The Dark Age” – Widowspeak
14.    “Sugar Baby” – The Kills
15.    “What the Stars Have Eaten” – Deadboy & the Elephantmen
16.    “Let It Go” – The Black Ryder
17.    “The Suburbs” – The Arcade Fire

 

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“Become a part of the NIGHT WORLD. Enter to win a flower pin.”

12. Soulmate – L.J. Smith

I did not know of the Night World series, or any other L.J. Smith series, actually, until I found a bunch of Night World books in the detritus of a closing book store’s YA section in 2014. I was looking for 1970s, 80s, and 90s YA as I usually am and the 1990s editions of the series have the most amazing covers. They’re paintings (of course, like I’d really be attracted to photography-based covers in YA…so 2000s…) of the main female characters (sometimes with special guests) surrounded by flowers and weird monster and demon faces and one face that really looks like wolf form attacking Lucy in the rain-Gary Oldman-Dracula from Bram Stoker’s Dracula and ravens and black cats and this one has a candlestick and they are bizarre and awesome pieces of book coverage. I know that this one was published in 1997, when I was a freshmen in high school and had moved on to reading Interview with the Vampire and Silence of the Lambs, but if I had known about this series when I was a teen I would have totally loved it. The female characters are well drawn and considering these are always romances, they’re feisty enough to not drive me nuts with their romantic angst (they’re certainly not swooners or “rape me and I’m yours” types) and I know I would have totally related to them –minus opportunity- when I was younger.

Soulmate concerns a romance throughout the ages, kind of like what Gary Oldman-Dracula is trying to imprint upon Winona Ryder-Mina in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and by the way, I dug that movie quite a bit when I saw it as a teenager (surprise surprise); you know, “I have crossed oceans of time to find you” and all that other shit vampires say to not look like pedophiles to high school girls who don’t recognize them for the creepers that they are. Anyway, Hannah aka vampire dude’s soulmate, current body edition, is seeing a psychiatrist and it brings up repressed memories of her other lives with said vampire, and how said vampire murdered everyone she knew when they first met (and her) and it’s an interesting path to reconciliation. I know that the soulmate concept has a bigger part to play in the Night World, but I don’t have the whole series and I haven’t read all the ones I do have yet, so I have no idea where it’s going. Hopefully not a sad, couple filled kegger. Maybe Thunderdome for couples. I do know that I shelved the re-published, multiple books to one volume, covers featuring bland black and white photographs of random, staring girls versions of these books when I worked at the public library and I was not even remotely intrigued to read them. That was a shitty re-design, people. A shitty re-design. Those lonely, staring girls do not say “I have charisma and well constructed female characters inside.” They say “You will be alone forever inside the black void.” I, like, already know that.

Thaddeus knows Pickles is not his soulmate, that would be Pammy, but they still enjoyed each other’s company without dramatic protestations and no prehistoric villages had to be slaughtered.

Thaddeus knows Pickles is not his soulmate, that would be Pammy, but they still enjoyed each other’s company without dramatic protestations and no prehistoric villages had to be slaughtered.

 

Mixtape –
1.    “Seventh Wave” – Devin Townsend
2.    “Satellite” – TV on the Radio
3.    “Freya” – The Sword
4.    “Sweet Leaf” – Black Sabbath
5.    “Schyssta Logner” – Witchcraft
6.    “Night City” – The Sword
7.    “All Black” – Hanni El Khatib
8.    “Long Time Coming” – Droids Attack
9.    “Mouths of Madness” – Orchid
10.    “Moonchild” – Fields of the Nephilim
11.    “Satan/Dance You Fukr” – Zydepunks
12.    “Bruane Brenn”- Kvelertak
13.    “High Road” – Mastodon

 

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