Have a Woodland Critter Christmas!

Since it’s the holidays and I’m about to undergo some serious changes at my current employment cave, I’ll be taking a break from writing reviews until January (unless I die unexpectedly or the world ends, but since I’ve mentioned both now neither will happen… ). There is something I would like to discuss, however, and that is search terms. I guess this is my version of breaking a narrative wall because there’s probably someone who wasn’t aware that WordPress totally keeps track of search terms that lead people (or robots) to blogs. I’ve become very fond of some of the ones that lead “people” to me and very afraid of what the searchers were really looking for. Here they are, with reaction shots:
1. The most frequent phrase: your eyes are like space crystals aka your eyes look like space crystals
It goes here: Sleepwalk With Me

Listen to me as I play this song/Cause I’m gonna play it regardless/I’m only playing three chords/So I can make eye contact

Thanks, Mike Birbiglia! I did enjoy your memoir and “Guitar Guy at the Party,” the place where I first heard that phrase. Belvedere’s eyes are way better than space crystals though.

2. Very puzzling edition: build a bear monkey names

I have no idea how that one led to me, but I am not unaware of the value of my naming abilities. But most likely it’s just because of this Jim Knipfel book: These Children Who Come at You With Knives

His name came from a badly translated paper about the movie Inception, it was the best thing I found in that paper.

Call me when they have Build-a-Pig. And not that kind of pig. – Danger Crumples

3.  No, really, what? terms: adult book store New Orleans

I’ve written several reviews of books set in New Orleans [ Pigeons from Hell , A Confederacy of Dunces , Ruined ] because I used to live about an hour and a half away and was a very frequent visitor. It is my official favorite place to go see traveling musical shows and drink on the street. But I haven’t written anything about that kind of book store…hmm.

I got carded going in to Second Skin, but that’s not really a bookstore. Me and Mr. Cheese were looking for the kind of masks that come with zippers, just to see if they were available for impromptu Pulp Fiction jokes. And they weren’t.

Duncan looks away. Away from her tired mistress who was probably at One Eyed Jack’s and Buffa’s the night before.

4. Right on terms: V.C. Andrews adjectives

I’ve only read Flowers in the Attic and that was an achievement unto itself so I feel comfortable saying that V.C. Andrews (and probably Andrew Neiderman, brand caretaker, too) loves adjectives. She adores them with the white hot fury of thousands of brilliantly shiny burning suns.

Andrew Neiderman also wrote Pin. I wonder if it’s minimalist.

She may have loved adjectives more than writing about blonde incestuous people. But the world and darling Murderface may never know.

5. Confusing spelling edition : sordkin day of oprichnir

I’ll admit, Oprichnik is a little on the hard to spell side. Two vowels, fun pronunciation, lots of people aren’t used to reading translations from Russian, it’s not that bad. It was still strange to read in my list of search terms.

In dystopian Russia, they have no memes.

Wait till they read it. – Mortemer endured my befuddled looks while I read Day of the Oprichnik

6. Ha ha, they might not mean Spaced terms: spunk beans

Simon Pegg’s book Nerd Do Well

There’s this cook book they might want to try. I heard about it on the internet and decided it was gross, but it’s available somewhere. And someone tested those recipes. On purpose.

Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like fuckin’ Shaft!

Seriously, it’s beans and spunk. Listen to Bill Bailey and pay attention with your childlike ears. – Pickles, not having it. Bel better know his Spaced quotes.

There will be two more parts to this saga of search terms. Reading it will feel like opening an incompetently constructed advent calendar.

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